Inspired by Kevin, I dug out some of my very first report cards. For the most part, they are unremarkable. The analyses of my academic progress are fairly predictable, except I didn't realize that I consistently did better in math than in social studies. But then, there are the categories, variously named—some call it "citizenship," some call it "work habits"—and there's a disturbing trend.

Kindergarten, School #1
Usually initiates a task when given a task - sometimes
Follows simple directions - sometimes
Willingly participates in learning activities - sometimes
Pays attention to a task for at least 15 minutes - sometimes

Comments: "Shasta demands lots of attention. She has the ability to do nice work but will not do her best unless we demand it. Hurries."

Kindergarten, School #2
Nothing especially interesting here, except the following comments:
"Enjoys cleaning." - Ha ha ha!
"Has breathy speech." - I still have breathy speech. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Mrs. Krempely.

It would seem that my "ball handling skills" also needed work.

First Grade:
Uses time wisely - needs improvement
Completes work - needs improvement
Works independently - needs improvement
Is self-disciplined - needs improvement

You get the idea. There would appear to be a long history behind my current state of dissertation despair. But I'll finish the damn thing. You just watch me, Mrs. Sonnamaker from Robert E. Lee Elementary School. You made me sit in a room by myself and alphabetize for hours because I had read all the books in your reading groups. Your pedagogical kung-fu was weak, but I shall overcome your curse. And I'll do it breathily.