I don't object to any measures two or more consenting adults might take to get themselves off. Having said that, I find some of those measures quite baffling. The latest baffling sexual practice to come to my attention is called "wolfbagging."

Here, apparently, is the deal: it's an anal sex thing. The woman or man who's being penetrated swallows a piece of bacon on a string. When the man who's doing the penetrating nears orgasm, he pulls on the string, which makes his partner vomit as the bacon comes up. The process of vomiting causes contractions that tighten the anus and heighten orgasm for the string-puller.

Human ingenuity is truly a remarkable thing. First, it has never, ever, ever occurred to me that anyone in a post-orgasm brainstorm session would say to his partner, "Yeah, that was okay, but you know what I bet would really enhance my pleasure next time? You puking."

Second, good Christ, you can say that to someone and get them to agree with you? See, if you said that to me, right about then is when I would decide that we should part ways, because clearly, you wanted things from our relationship that I just couldn't give you. Like the contents of my stomach.

Finally, and this is no small matter, bacon on a string? I mean, really. Bacon? On a string?

I wonder if there's a vegetarian alternative, perhaps some sort of soy product on a string. But who's ever heard of a vegetarian wolf? Maybe the vegetarians aren't wolfbagging, they're wolfuti-bagging.