Somebody on the freeway just came very close to making my little Corolla into
a smashed-up little Corolla. Why? Because's it's raining in LA, and lots of
LA drivers are assholes, and while being an asshole LA driver is dangerous as
a rule, it's much more dangerous when it's raining. When you do something like
note that it's raining and then get on an LA freeway—none of which, I should
mention, have decent drainage, because CalTrans doesn't believe in drainage—and
decide to slam on your brakes while you're going 15 miles an hour faster than
everyone else, you shouldn't find it terribly surprising when you hydroplane,
lose control of your vehicle, and do four or five complete 360s while you careen
across four lanes of traffic and into the carpool lane.
You should find it surprising that you: 1) didn't slam into the concrete wall
that marks the left edge of the carpool lane; 2) didn't hit anyone as you made
your way to the carpool lane; 3) didn't roll your truck; 4) didn't get rear-ended
once you had come to a stop; 5) aren't lying on the road, waiting for an ambulance,
wondering how many people you just injured—maybe even killed—and hoping that
none of the travelers approaching the site of your accident drive like you,
because you're already in plenty of pain, and being run over is no fun.
So, yes, you should be surprised about all of those things. I wish you would
not drive like that. I especially wish you would not drive like that while you're
in the lane next to me and directly to my left. In case you're not sure where
things went wrong, here is a helpful guide that might help you avoid future
incidents.
Shasta's Guide to Driving in the Rain for People in the Greater Los
Angeles Area
1.) Slow the fuck down. Your speed should be determined by road conditions
and visibility, not by your habits. For example: if you normally travel at approximately
80 miles per hour, going 70 miles per hour because it's raining does not count
as "being cautious."
2.) Knock it off with the tailgating. Especially you. Yeah, you in the Canyonero.
Your vehicle is twelve times the size of a reasonable person's vehicle, and
the fact that you have one daughter who plays soccer really doesn't justify
the fact your SUV is larger than some people's apartments. You require more
time to stop than people driving other vehicles. Remember that thing when you
took your driver's test—that little rule about one car length for every ten
miles an hour, leaving even more room when driving conditions are bad or when
you're driving a heavy vehicle? No? I thought not. You'll want to review that
one. If there's just no way, no possible way you can leave that much space,
then you need to make some room in your botoxified head for the notion that
six feet isn't going to cut it.
3.) Turn off your fucking phone.
4.) Did I mention you should turn on your headlights? If I forgot that one,
it's because it seems just so obvious to me, but it isn't so obvious to many
of you. It will be much easier for people to avoid hitting you if they can see
you. Lights help.
5.) Do a little yoga and repeat to yourself the following mantra at least ten
times: "My reasons for being on the freeway right now are no more important
than other people's reasons for being on the freeway right now. I am not more
important than other people. I can be crippled or suffer brain damage just like
people who haven't spent $25,000 on plastic surgery can. An accident could kill
me, or worse! It could make me ugly!"
If that's too much to remember, I have another version.
Shasta's Abridged Guide to Driving in the Rain for People in the Greater
Los Angeles Area
1.) Stop being such an asshole, even if it's just for a little while. You can
start being an asshole again when you get out of your car.
