I am interested in basketball.

I am interested in the Kobe Bryant rape trial.

I am not interested in hearing an update on how Kobe feels now that he's eaten a burger for lunch, or whether Kobe's new shoes are chafing him, or how his "personal troubles" have or have not contributed to said chafing.

I am not interested in hearing more arguments for why Kobe is innocent that go something like this:

• Kobe is famous and his accuser is not. Therefore, Kobe is innocent.


• Kobe is the man. How could you not want to sleep with Kobe? Therefore, Kobe is innocent.


• Celebrities have affairs all the time. Therefore, Kobe is innocent.


• The Lakers really need to practice, because even though they have a ton of talent, it's going to take time for Kobe and Shaq to gel with Karl Malone and Gary Payton. That'd be a whole lot easier if Kobe didn't keep trotting off to Col-o-fucking-rado. Therefore, this whole shebang is a conspiracy, and Kobe is innocent.

And then there are the arguments the defense is actually using, which often aren't much better.

I might be interested in hearing someone say they just don't know what happened, but they'll update me when they have more information. And by "information," I don't mean a piece on whether or not Kobe's accuser set off some bellhop's rape-dar.

Ironically, as I was typing this, a stray dog walked over and started checking out our front patio. I went outside to see if it had a tag so that I could either bring the dog home or call its owner. It was the golden retriever from down the street. His name? Kobe.

I'm pretty sure he didn't do it. He did, however, get so excited that he pissed all over my doorstep. It's a good thing that dog isn't really good at basketball. If he was, I'd no doubt be hearing all manner of anecdotes about how much chicks dig it when celebrities piss on their "welcome mats."