Why oh why did I not open this catalog until I was pretty much done with my shopping? I'm sure somebody on my list really needed those record coasters, the duct tape wallet, the writers finger puppets, an animal lamp, or some of the cutest baby socks ever made. If they didn't need those, they probably did need a wine tote to go with a bottle of wine wrapped in one of these wonderful little dresses.

I might have to get a couple of these things anyway. The American Express bill doesn't come until next month, right?

In other news, I heard Band-Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?" today for the first time in a while. Did you ever really listen to those lyrics? They're awful. I don't remember that having occurred to me when the song came out, but a lot of things are like that: you experience them when you're young and then revisit them when you're older, only to find that your perspective has totally changed. Then, you wonder how you possibly could have not realized that the Chronicles of Narnia are so very Christian, or that mushrooms on pizza are really quite good, or that Flashdance is a terrible, terrible movie. So, let's revisit "Do They Know It's Christmas," shall we?

There's a world outside your window,
and it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing
is the bitter sting of tears.

We're talking about Africa here, right? If I remember correctly, the proceeds from the song and from the Live-Aid benefit went to Ethiopian famine relief, but don't quote me on that. In any case, the song doesn't say anything specifically about Ethiopia, or about any other African country, for that matter. It's just "Africa," the whole continent. And apparently, the only water on the whole continent is the water of human tears.

And there won't be snow in Africa
this Christmas time,
the greatest gift they'll get
this year is life. (Here's where Boy George goes "ooohhhh!")
Where nothing ever grows,
no rain nor rivers flow...

No snow? Tell that to the people hanging out by Mount Kilimanjaro. Or the Atlas Mountains. Or the ski resorts in South Africa. No rain? What's happening when it rains, then? ("That's God crying. Probably because of something you did.") And how do you account for the portions of Africa that are, you know, rain forest? Finally, I don't care if you flunked fourth-grade social studies; you still should know that the Nile runs through Africa. You should at least strongly suspect that there are other rivers on the continent, too, but come on: the Nile?

Raise a glass for everyone
Underneath that burning sun.

Rub it in, Bob Geldoff. Rub it in. Cheers, you poor bastards! We'll order an extra round and dedicate it to you, because I bet you don't even have cocktails in Africa.

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

I'm guessing the non-Christians don't much care. If they do, we certainly wouldn't know about it, since every single citizen of every single African country speaks exclusively in clicks and whistles.

I'm all for the spirit of giving, but my word, would it have killed Geldoff to not be such a tool about it?

Also, Simon LeBon can't sing.