When you stay up late watching TV while you fold laundry and generally futz around your house, you start to see some really great commercials starting around midnight or 12:30. One of my favorites is is the ad for the Gerber Life Grow-Up Plan.

The Gerber Life Grow-Up Plan, for those of you who are too classy even to slum in my target demographic, is a life insurance plan for children. You can take one out on bouncing babies as young as 14 days of age. Gerber Life claims to know all about how you "want to give your child every advantage possible." The company also suggests that these policies make a great gift, one you should seriously consider giving if you are a grandmother or grandfather. Why? Because "your thoughtfulness today helps ensure your child will be better equipped for adult responsibilities tomorrow." After all, who couldn't use a little extra peace of mind?

Folks, this is life insurance we're talking about. What this means is that if you have one of these policies on your kids, you'll get a check if they die. What grieving parent wouldn't find that comforting?

And just how much comfort, in monetary terms, will Gerber Life give you?

$5000. For about $6 a month.

I realize many of you probably don't know much about life insurance rates, so I won't assume that benefit-to-premium value seems absolutely absurd to you. I'll just tell you it's absurd. Right now--at age 32, which is considerably older than 14 days--I could get a $250,000 policy for about $25 a month. $5000 might just about cover my burial costs, unless someone decided to be all showy and get me a fancy tombstone. One with words and stuff.

Ridiculous cost aside, let's talk about why you buy life insurance. You buy life insurance because someone--maybe multiple people--would find themselves in a real financial pickle if you suddenly crossed the threshold into the next world. That's usually because you have an income that goes toward shared expenses. Babies, as you might know, are not very good breadwinners. They might be good at holding bread, chewing bread with their little gums, and processing bread in various baby ways, but they are not good at winning bread.

So what's the hook? The hook is that when your child turns 21, the benefit amount will automatically double, but the premiums won't go up, not ever! That's right! Instead of paying $6 a month for a really shitty life insurance policy, you'll be able to give your college junior--who is no doubt extremely concerned about his or her mortality--the chance to keep paying $6 a month for a slightly less shitty life insurance policy!

No wonder the baby in the Gerber logo looks so surprised. Two weeks out of the womb and they're already trying to screw him. At this rate, his parents will have him signed up with Amway before he can pronounce the word "wholesale."

I was also going to tell you about a local bail bonds company running ads in which distressed Latinos fret about getting their family members out of jail until some white guy dressed like Captain America shows up in their living room, but I no longer have it in me.