HOUSE BILL NO. 751 Offered January 14, 2004 Prefiled January 14, 2004 A BILL to amend the Code of Virginia by adding in Chapter 2 of Title 20 a section numbered 20-12.1, relating to the Affirmation of Marriage Act for...
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There is a house along one of the routes Jeff and use to walk the dogs; we call it the "cat house." That's because there are always multiple cats in the front yard. We've made a habit of counting them...
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Today's issue of "Los Angeles Times Magazine" is the "Men's Fashion Issue." "The Dashing Man," advertises the cover. "Suave. Sophisticated. Self-Assured." Well, then! Let's have a peek, shall we? Since you won't be able to read the tiny text in...
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There's a move in step aerobics called a "freeway." It involves turning as you go over the top of the step, such that if you start out facing the front of the room, you end up on the opposite side...
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My dog has become a vicious killer of opossums. Ivy: Vicious Killer of Opossums Napa: Enthusiastic Sidekick I bear no great love for opossums. In fact, they are one of my least favorite animals. If you were to ask me,...
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MY BROTHER BRET, CALLING FROM KOREA, WHERE HE LIVES: "I'm dating this girl from Colombia." SHASTA: "What's her name?" BRET: "Marcela." SHASTA: "Describe what Marcela Wallace looks like." BRET: "What?" SHASTA: "Say 'what' again. Say 'what' again! I dare you--I...
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Today, as I was leaving the acupuncture studio, I got a very strange look from a man I was quite sure I hadn't seen before. I was a little perplexed, since to my knowledge, I looked pretty ordinary. I might...
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I got acupuncture for the first time today. I had considered getting it before, but my pain always seemed to subside just as I was on the verge of making an appointment, so I never went. However, I seriously tweaked...
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After a brief discussion about the Ken doll's nipples... SHASTA: "You know Barbie and Ken broke up, right?" JEFF: "What?" SHASTA: "Yeah, Barbie and Ken broke up. Mattel announced that it was 'time for them to move on,' or something...
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It was our seventh anniversary yesterday, so we celebrated by going to the OC fairgrounds to see the Cirque du Soleil Varekai show, which was absolutely gorgeous. These performers do things with their bodies that really shouldn't be possible. I...
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I followed a link from a friend's journal to another person's survey this morning, and in that survey, I came across this question: In order to win one million dollars, you are told to walk stark naked down a city...
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It's sunny and well over sixty degrees here on this fine New Year's Eve. Our friends Chris and Danielle are here, and Kelly is coming over later. Here's the plan: 1. Eat something. 2. Go to the park. Play croquet...
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According to today's LA Times, the Staples Center gift shop will soon be selling life-size Shaquille O'Neal bobblehead dolls for $25,000 each. Life-size. That means these dolls will be 7'1". With heads that bobble. I can only hope they don't...
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Here it is! The first in a brief series that revisits some of the more amusing exchanges I've had with people in comments here. The ones I can find, anyway. I'm not duplicating entire threads; I'm just highlighting. This one's...
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"Return of the King" balled my rog. Uruked my hai. Nazzed my gul. I will say one thing, and one thing only, in criticism: "A Not-Ode on Liv Tyler" Oh, Liv Tyler, What? I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. You...
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You know how most pharmacies have a little line people are supposed to wait behind so that the person being served has some privacy? And you know how most people seem to ignore it completely, hovering over you like a...
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Calfornia: what a wacky state! Look at all those people driving their shiny Hummers on the four-oh-five! Look at all those boobies what don't bounce! Look at all those folks running for governor! People, I actually have to vote in...
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It amazes me that so few people wash their hands after touching so many potentially nasty—or definitely nasty—objects. I'm not even particularly germ-phobic. I just think that after, say, getting sweaty and rolling around on an exercise mat—one that hundreds...
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A letter to the editors of Budget Living, June/July 2003 issue: "I read your magazine by chance and enjoyed it. Being a man, I was surprised that the contents were so entertaining. I was going to subscribe, but you'll have...
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There's nothing like a visit to the dermatologist to make you feel vain and hypochondriacal. "You're concerned about skin cancer?" "Yes." "Any particular spots?" "My back." He looks and apparently sees nothing that makes him even want to look twice....
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Okay, people, something needs to be cleared up, here. I just saw the word "violá" printed in a catalog, as in, "Violá! My editor sucks!" A viola is a musical instrument. It's like a violin, but slightly bigger. Adding an...
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From here: http://www.michaelkelly.fsnet.co.uk/seduction.htm FOREPLAY I am no expert at foreplay. I am, however, a master at stroking cats into a state of ecstasy, and a woman shouldn't be too different. If your bird is anything like my cat, the following...
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I'm posting this just so that I don't lose it (again), but you're welcome to read it if you'd like. I got it in a forward back in 1995, when AOL seemed like a good idea and email was lots...
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This is Scoby. Scoby lives with a man named Josh and likes to hang out at the Long Beach Dog Park. Napa really wanted to be friends with Scoby, because she likes little dogs, but Scoby was not interested...
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Somebody on the freeway just came very close to making my little Corolla into a smashed-up little Corolla. Why? Because's it's raining in LA, and lots of LA drivers are assholes, and while being an asshole LA driver is dangerous...
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I don't object to any measures two or more consenting adults might take to get themselves off. Having said that, I find some of those measures quite baffling. The latest baffling sexual practice to come to my attention is called...
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Beyond here, there be poetry.
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I just staged my own little Three Stooges movie. I played all three stooges. All that's left to do is poke myself in both eyes. When I was in junior high, I was in the habit of fidgeting a greal...
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There was Shiner Bock, and there was a Lakers game. "Nobody's screwing up Medvedenko's name," I remarked, a little glum. "It just rolls off their tongues effortlessly." "Yeah, I miss Chick Hearn, too," said Jeff. And then there was tea,...
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My hair is getting out of control. It's way too long for this cut, largely because it's short and layered, but I haven't been to see Grace in nearly eight weeks. The last time it got this way, a friend...
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Mani. Yeah, I know that's not your real name. And that you are neither French nor Indian. I don't know much else. I really don't. But I do know you were in Brotherhood of the Wolf, and That's all...
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It occurs to me that, in general, and with all sorts of exceptions, psycho female stalkers in movies are pretty much just psycho women. They tend to be remarkably resourceful psycho women, since even the most rebelliously anti-Hollywood of graduate...
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Oh! And because I talked about reading ostentatiously, I have another story. I went to Mexico with a couple of friends for spring break one year, and after being out late four or five nights in a row, I decided...
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I had this sudden panic over the idea that any minute, low-rise jeans are going to go out of style. I briefly considered stockpiling. You see, the low-rise trend was one of the best things ever to happen to my...
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TV: "Critics are calling 'Serving Sara' the..." Jeff: "Did they just say 'Cervix Salad'?"...
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In front of the health bar section at Albertson's... Confused woman: "Well, what's the difference between all these bars, anyway? Do you eat them? Why do you eat them?" I explain how many of these bars can be a good...
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"The rapture is going to strike without warning. The rapture is going to happen suddenly. The rapture is going to be one of the most astonishing events to ever occur." - Todd at raptureready.com Features include: "Oops, I Guess I...
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Oh, Owen Wilson, You have ensnared me in your web Of Owen Wilsonitude. You could do nothing But walk into a room, and I, I would start clapping Like a fucking idiot, Shouting, "Nicely done, Owen Wilson! Might I...
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Around these parts, the Fourth of July seems to start about now. It then goes on for weeks. Some asshole down the street bought a megaphone recently, and he's been doing things like having conversations with our next-door neighbors through...
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Me with my friend M. before prom, spring 1989: '80s hair still amazes me. I think it's because so many of us had parents and teachers who thought for a time that the best possible thing we could do was...
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I seem to have one of those faces that reminds people of someone else. I'm not really sure why; some of the people I've been compared to look nothing at all like me, and it's quite possible that it has...
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See, I like my cat. I like him a whole lot. We've had him for nearly four years, and we consider him part of the family. The thing is, I have reason to believe he's more vicious than other kitties....
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J: "That doesn't mean they actually were robots. They looked like aliens."
Me: "Well, it would have been nice if they all looked like Jude Law, no doubt about it. But they didn't."
J: "You should acknowledge the possibility that they could be aliens!"
Me: "They had circuits in their faces. Robot circuits."
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Step One: Dial the wrong number at approximately 4:46 am. Listen to the answering machine message when the person who is trying to sleep in the house you called fails to get up to talk to you. Ignore the part...
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I learned about the Chardonnay Diet while attending a party. It was a catered affair at my friend's lovely beachfront home, and many of the attendees were involved in the entertainment industry in one role or another. Since I've spent...
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I like that Simon Amman kid. I find it charming that he gets so excited he can't even talk. I've been thinking about it, and I've decided that the reason I like the winter Olympics so much is this: the...
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I love speedskating. Mind you, I've never actually been speedskating. I haven't skated much at all, in fact. There's that ankle injury, for one thing; it always makes skating a bit hazardous for me. I think I have some rollerblades...
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Step 1: Step into the shower intending to bathe and shave quickly. Step 2: Wash hair. Step 3: Decide to repeat the "wash hair" step, because it says "lather, rinse, and repeat," and hey, you might as well repeat this...
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So, I went in for my yearly exam this morning. Now, no woman looks forward to these visits to the doctor, but I got over dreading the routine stuff quite a long time ago. Still, I could name any number...
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The dogs are outside, and I hear a noise. I know that noise; it's the "we're jumping up on the fence and messing stuff up because there's a cat or something equally exciting" noise. "Hey! Knock it off," I yell...
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From the kitty's perspective, my lap is obviously the very best place to be only when I have something else in it. Like a stack of papers that I need to get through tonight. I was almost done when I...
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Oh, John Cusack, You hung with Anthony Michael Hall When I first met you. You wore a gizmo on your head, and I did find it charming. Oh, John Cusack, I'd be your sure thing. Did you Know I...
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I found this today in a thread on one of the NY Times message boards. An engaged couple had posted a serious question asking for suggestions on which wine to select for their wedding reception in the Napa Valley. Sandwiched...
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I've added a new alternative career fantasy to the growing list of other ways I could spend my time. Here are some of the current possibilities, both the real ones and those that have no chance of ever happening: -...
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For some reason, I find it highly amusing that the Open Directory Project has a category specifically dedicated to Cowboy Poetry. It's also helpfully cross-referenced to Society: People: Cowboys. Now, I realize that the literature of the American West is...
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I didn't realize that the Sierra Nevada Bigfoot beers had an alcohol content of about 10.5%, meaning that each one of them was worth approximately 2 normal beers, or approximately 3 Bud Lights, if you ever drink Bud Light, which...
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My friend S. has been collecting quotes from her friends for years and posting them on her web page. I was looking over them today and rediscovered this one: A: "So, this weekend, I saw that new Kubrick movie, 'Sleeping...
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Another long real estate day... we just finished writing up an offer on a house in Cypress. We don't like it as much as we liked the house in Long Beach, but after looking at crappy house after crappy house...
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I work for a women's studies journal, and my fellow book review editors and I had the following conversation earlier today, after being asked to order a particular book that was supposedly published by Cornell UP: Me: It looks like...
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Jeff is thinking about cutting his hair, and I am a little distressed. He has a long, luscious, curly mane of auburn locks. I love to bury my hands in it. Sometimes, I grab big handfuls and amorously steer his...
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